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In this blogposting...

* If Computers Were Cars
* Your Car Is German...
* The Daily Wisecrack
* Bonsai
Onward...

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IF COMPUTERS WERE CARS...
This is an oldie but goldie.  It was sent to me recently by Peter, in South Shields.  Even if it’s apocryphal, it’s good fun...

At a computer conference, Bill Gates (the man behind Microsoft) reportedly compared the computer industry with the car industry, saying ‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the  computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon.'

Anyone who’s grappled with Microsoft’s Windows operating system will understand the sarcasm of Ford’s response, issued the following day in a press release...

‘If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following  characteristics:

 1    For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a  day.

2    Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a  new car.

3    Occasionally your car would die on the motorway, for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4    Occasionally, executing a maneuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5    Apple Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, fuel and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This  Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7    The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'  before deploying.

8    Occasionally  - and for no reason whatsoever - your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9    Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as on the old car.

10    You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn  the engine off.

All of which is why I converted to a Mac decades ago.

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YOUR CAR IS GERMAN...
Peter also sent me this gem...

Your car is German.
Your vodka is Russian.
Your pizza is Italian.
Your kebab is Turkish.
Your democracy is Greek.
Your coffee is Brazilian.
Your movies are American.
Your tea is Tamil.
Your shirt is Indian.
Your oil is Saudi Arabian.
Your electronics are Chinese.
Your numbers are Arabic.
And your letters are Roman.

And you complain that your neighbour is an immigrant?

Pull yourself together.

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THE DAILY WISECRACK
Thanks to everyone who’s been sending me put-downs and wisecracks.  Here are just a few of the less unkind, and thus more printable, examples...

She has a nice butter face; everything looks nice but her face.

He has the IQ of lint.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge.  He just gargled.

They told me you weren’t fit to live in a pigsty but I stuck up for you.  I said you were.

He is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

The thing that terrifies me most is that someone might hate me as much as I hate you.

There are only two things I dislike about you; your face.

Ouch.

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BONSAI
A friend in Japan recently sent me some pictures of prize-winning bonsai trees in Kyoto.  I think they’re lovely and I hope you do, too.

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CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com