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In this blogposting…
* Julie Andrews at 70
* Thomas Cook
* Kev’s One-Liners
* The Diet

* Albert Monroe
Don’t just sit there…

I’ve handed this posting over to Linda, Dave, Kev, Vivienne, Hildie, Eric and Jean - with my grateful thanks to them for helping to keep this blog afloat during what is a difficult time for me.

I hope you enjoy their contributions.  They’ve certainly lifted my spirits over the last couple of weeks.

The pictures were sent to me by Eric and Jean.  As you can see, they are part of a mobile phone ad campaign.  Aren’t they clever?

JULIE ANDREWS AT 70
The awesome - not to say sainted - Julie Andrews recently gave a charity concert in New York to mark her 70th birthday.  In a wonderfully honest tribute to old age, she re-worked the words of My Favourite Things as follows...

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak - when the bones creak,

When the knees go bad, 

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad. 



Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, 

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, 

These are a few of my favourite things... 



Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', 

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', 

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, 

When we remember our favourite things. 



When the joints ache- when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had, 

And then I don't feel so bad. 



Apparently, she received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.  And I’m not surprised.

Thanks, Linda.

THOMAS COOK
Vivienne has sent me this list of complaints received by Thomas Cook from some of their less savvy customers.

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in her room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

The beach was too sandy.

We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

There was no egg-slicer in the apartment.

We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.

The roads were uneven.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England but it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.

 

The brochure stated:  'No hairdressers at the hotel’. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?

We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.

My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

As Vivienne quite rightly remarked - these people are amongst us and the vote!

Thanks Vivienne.

 

KEV'S ONE-LINERS

Kev has sent me this lovely list of groan-inducing one-liners, all of which are up to his usual standard.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Hmmmmmmm…..

THE DIET

Hildie has txted me this joke.  Originally it was, of course, an ‘Irish’ joke, a genre which is much, much funnier if you change the Irishman into a Sun reader.

An overweight Sun reader on a diet is told by his doctor..  "Eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day ..... Then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.  Repeat this routine for 2 weeks.  The next time I see you, you should have lost 5lbs."  

When the Sun reader returned, he had lost 60lbs.

"That’s amazing!!" the doctor said.   "Did you follow my instructions?"  

"Yes, and I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day!!"  

"From hunger?" asked the doctor

"No - from the bloody skipping!"

Thanks Hildie.

ALBERT MONROE
Dave Shannon has sent me this intriguing picture.  All you have to do is look at the picture close-up - then move about ten feet away and look at it again.

 

Bizarre!

CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com