In this blogposting…
*Out Of The Mouths Of Babes…
*Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know
*The True Spirit Of Christmas
Now off you go - and the last one home’s a cissy…
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES…
A big Thankyou once again to Eric and Jean, who run The Commercial in Tantobie, for sending these gems culled from the ‘exercise books’ of the young and confused….
In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.
Sometimes in the war they took prisners and kept them as ostriches until the war was over. Some ended up in constipation camps.
A mosque is a kind of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed.
On our activity holiday Dad wanted to ride the hores but Mam said they were too expensiv.
I want to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.
The closest town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.
If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.
...and at the end of the show we all sing Away In A Manager.
Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly - they can also hoover.
Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed Asians.
If you marry two people you are a pigamist - but morons are allowed to do this.
Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.
The next AGM will take place at 1100 on Wednesday 26 January at the usual place - Grey’s Monument or thereabouts.
There is no doubt whatsoever that a splendid time is guaranteed for all.
THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU DIDN’T KNOW: THE SHORTEST WAR IN HISTORY
Continuing the admirable work done by Sid and Hildie, with their Weird News/Strange World Records investigations, I’m proud to regurgitate yet another piece of unspeakable trivia gleaned from the trashcan of knowledge…
(That deserves the 2011 Truckshunter Award for Most Mixed Metaphor.)
The Anglo-Zanzibar War, fought (as its name suggests) between the United Kingdom and Zanzibar on 27 August 1896, was the shortest war in the history of conflict - or anything else, for that matter.
It lasted approximately 40 minutes.
It all started with the death of the pro-British Sultan Hamad bin Thuwaini on 25 August 1896. His successor was Sultan Khalid bin Barghash, whom the British didn’t like very much. They wanted Hamud bin Muhammed to be the new sultan because he was more favourable to British interests.
In accordance with a treaty signed in 1886, a condition for accession to the sultanate was that the candidate must obtain the permission of the British consul, which Khalid had foolishly neglected to do.
Naturally, the British considered this a good enough reason for war and sent an ultimatum to Khalid demanding that he order his forces to stand down and leave the palace immediately. In response, Khalid called up his palace guard and barricaded himself inside.
The ultimatum expired at 0900 on 27 August so the gallant British declared war.
By that time, the British had gathered three cruisers, two gunships, 150 marines and sailors, and 900 Zanzibaris in the harbour area. Around 2,800 Zanzibaris defended the palace; most of them were recruited from the civilian population, but they also included the sultan's palace guard and several hundred of his servants and slaves. The defenders also had several artillery pieces and machine guns which were set in front of the palace and aimed at the British ships.
A bombardment, which started at precisely 0902, set the palace on fire and disabled the defending artillery. A small naval action took place, too. The British sank a Zanzibari royal yacht and two smaller vessels.
Some shots were fired ineffectually at the pro-British Zanzibari troops as they approached the palace. The flag at the palace was shot down. The firing ceased - and the war came to an end - at 0940.
And there you have it. The shortest war in history. So now you know.
These two - er - jokes were sent to me by Kev. I therefore take no responsibility for them.
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave.
One said, “I'm starving! I need to go and get some blood!"
And he flew out of the cave.
He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.
"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"
"Yes," the other bat replied.
"Well, I didn't."
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Sure," says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in the pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come and see me."
The next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Truckshunters always give credit where credit is due, however tardy. Hence these belated congratulations to Thames Valley Police.
On Christmas Day they finally rescued Mohammad Bellazrak (aged 74). He had driven his wife to Gatwick Airport on December 23 and was last seen heading home to Wiltshire that afternoon.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t find Wiltshire. CCTV cameras show that he drove around the Home Counties for two days and two nights - through Berkshire, Buckinghamshire and Oxfordshire - trying to find the M4.
IN MEMORIAM - AGAIN
It is with real sadness that I have to note the death of Lass, the 24-year-old crossbred Jack Russell and West Highland terrier believed to be the oldest dog in Britain. She died at her Weardale home in County Durham.
Owner Tom Martin had been keeping track of her age but said it would be difficult to verify her long life for The Guinness Book of Records owing to a lack of documentation.
The previous holder of the title was a 20-year-old dachshund cross terrier from Shrewsbury, called Otto.
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