All these jokes - which aired on The Nightshift this morning - are taken from an email sent to me by Pam. I reproduce them here by public demand; I don't think I've ever received so many requests to repeat or blogpost a Nightshift item. Enjoy!

Take One.....
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

Take Two....
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three....
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Take Four....
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Take Five....
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Take Six....
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Take Seven....
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Take Eight....
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend.
But a talking frog, now that's cool.'

...is one of a series sent to me some time ago. Apparently, a German company decided to adorn their lorries with some startlingly original and clever 3D designs to give us all something fun to look at on long and dreary motorway journeys. Unfortunately, I can't remember who sent em the pictures. My apologies to whomsoever it may concern!

Post comments on this blog or contact me in any one (or more) of these ways....
text 07786 200954 (while the programme is on-air)
call (between about 0545 and 0630 Monday to Friday) 0191 232 6565
Ian Robinson, The Nightshift, BBC Radio Newcastle, Spital Tongues, Newcastle-upon-Tyne NE99 1RN

Please bear in mind that the views expressed in this blog are my own and NOT the views of the BBC.


Sid said...

Afternoon folks,
Thanks for putting those jokes on the blog Ian, all I have to do now is try and remember them. Not an easy task I assure you.
Its a lovely day out there, must go and tidy up my polytunnel, have put it off for long enough.

Vivienne said...

Hi everyone,

Yes, it's been a super day, but the cloud is beginning to build up and cover that beautiful blue sky and dazzling sun.

On my way home from the dentist's (been having an implant so both mouth and purse are hurting a bit) I saw two vapour trails in the sky over your way Hildie. I'd wondered if there had been a near miss, as both trails veered round in semicircles parallel to each other, not that far apart!

Thanks for posting the jokes, Ian. I did hear one or two this morning, but not all, so I greatly appreciate your posting.

Hildie said...

Hi Sid and Vivienne, hope all went well with the polytunnel and the implant!
Hi Inga, I have just been to check out the M & D blog as you told me to, and I saw what Ian had said ...
the little tinker .... as if any of us would collude ... as if we would!!!
I've been out to lunch today at a friend's house, when I got there he was hoovering - well, in a fashion. His daughter had bought him this little robot that you charge up and it whizzes round doing the hoovering!! Ever seen one? I want one now!
p.s. I enjoyed the jokes, Pam!

Vivienne said...

Hi Hildie,

Thanks for your good wishes re my implant. It wasn't very pleasant but all went according to plan. I nearly took a fit of the giggles when my dentist was screwing in the implant, as it sounded as though he was winding up a clock, and I was that clock!

Hildie, Ian can't advertise his own blog, but he can promote M&D if he isn't associated with it. I keep leaving directions on M&D so listeners can find their way to this blog. Unfortunately we haven't had any evidence of anyone new, or previous bloggers, trying to access M&D or Truckshunters.

If anyone gets an email from UK NATIONAL LOTTERY telling them they've won £350,000 in an online draw, it's a hoax. I've just checked it out as they targetted me.

Sid said...

Morning everyone,
Hasn't dentistry come a long way in what seems to be a very short time. It's wonderous what they can do, even if you do have to pay a fortune for the privilege.
Thanks for the warning Vivienne about that lottery scam, no doubt some poor soul will respond to it.
I have spotted my first home with its decorations up. When its time for our xmas tree I think I shall add up the wattage of the tree lights. Wouldn't want to give my energy supplier more cash than I have to!!!
Who shouted SCROOGE.

Sid said...

Hello again folks,
I've had an e-mail from our friend Hildie, she is having trouble accessing this blog. Keeps on getting the message 'error on page. It may well be her internet provider that is down, but the e-mail portion is still working. She asks me to pass on her good wishes and she will be back as soon as she can.

Inga said...

Hello to You All,
Guess we need to be patient about new bloggers. Ian mentioned the M&D blog again this morning during the live segment "accusing" us again of "collusions" :-)

Inga said...

LOZ - finally a report I could listen to without plugging up my ears now and then. You would not believe what I just did! Typed "me" instead of "my" - HELP I'm being brainwashed! Guess it's not punishable by law since I am submitting to it voluntarily.
Anyway back to Richard Granger. I went to the internet hoping to find some pictures which I did. Found the Mining Institute and Durham College. Awesome buildings. Couldn't find much about the city centre. VIVIENNE, you roving reporter, next time you're down there shopping could you take one or two for me?

Inga said...

VIVIENNE, I must have done something right at last. The bin has magically appeared at the end of my comment!

Vivienne said...

Hi Everyone,

Hildie, I'm sorry to learn you are having problems accessing the blog.

Inga, I already have some photos of the City Centre, from the top of Grey's Monument! (Where Ian did his extreme ironing one year, for Children in Need) I was going to post some of Maureen's pictures next, but as she's not around at the moment I'll dig out mine from my old laptop.

Does anyone know where Maureen is? I'm getting quite worried that I haven't heard from her since she sent me some photos, and posted her contribution to the Halloween Story. I went by the Marsden Grotto last night, and the lights were on in the lift and car park. No sign of any ghosts, nor Murphy and Dora for that matter!

Vivienne said...

Hi again,

Inga, when my 'bin' appeared I remembered I meant to say that I'm glad you've found your's at last.

Inga said...

Looking forward to the pictures, Vivienne.
Speaking of pictures, when I first saw the new one of the truck I tried to figure out how that fitted in with the "Oh b****r!" series! I didn't think a piece of metal having come loose was any big deal. Dah!

Inga said...

Sid, anyone making his own Christmas cards couldn't possibly be thought of as Scrooge!
Besides you might remember that after the first so-called running-out-of-oil scare we were supposed to cut down on everything including Christmas lights.