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THE DIAGRAM PRIZE 2013
In 2008, just after I’d started presenting The Nightshift, Kev - a distinguished author in his own write, of course - drew my attention to the Diagram Prize, which is awarded annually by The Bookseller magazine to the book with the oddest title of the year.

I am delighted to report that the prize is still going strong and to tell you that this year’s winner - described as ‘a supernaturally tinged barnyard manual’ - was…

(Wait for it…)

Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop.

It was written by the splendid Reginald Bakeley - whom God preserve - and is subtitled 'and other practical advice in our campaign against the fairy kingdom'.  It is described by its publisher, Conari Press, as ‘the essential primer for banishing the dark fairy creatures that are lurking in the dark corners and crevices of your life’.

The book took 38 percent of the votes in a public ballot, beating finalists that included How Tea Cosies Changed the World, Was Hitler Ill? and God's Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis, all of whose (quite genuine) covers are shown here, along with How To Sharpen Pencils - too interesting a title to omit.

 

 

* * *
AND FINALLY…
...D-Day is almost upon us. 

In what amounts to just a few hours’ time, I’ll be heading south to London on the first stage of my Grandest Tour Of All.  Then I’ll be going south-east to Hong Kong, and then south-west to Singapore and then south again to Perth.  After that, it’s east to Sydney and south-east to Queenstown - which will be my furthest point away from home.

North-east through New Zealand and then continuing to Vancouver…south to San Francisco...and east to New York City.

You’ve sent me so much helpful advice already but there’s still one final leg of the journey to go.  I’ll be heading north-east again out of New York City to spend my last two days in Boston.

So - please - if you have any advice or recommendations about that fine city, please get in touch.

But be quick - you don’t have long!

* *
CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com

485

LOCOMOTION
After this morning’s coffee and croissants (with French bilberry jam - a Sunday necessity), I decided that, what with one thing and another, I wanted a kind of ‘day of detachment’; I wanted to do something that had no connexion at all with any of the many things that have been pre-occupying me lately.

So I decided to go to Shildon.

If you’ve ever been to Shildon, you’re likely to be thinking that my decision to go there was about as perverse as it’s possible to get without tipping over into madness and deciding to visit Middlesbrough (God forbid).

But there’s a lot more to Shildon than there used to be when I lived in nearby Crook.  They’ve put up some manageable modern sculpture, re-modelled the square and installed a traffic-calming zigzag in the main street which completely fails to add any charm to what was already a charmless and unlovely thoroughfare.  (Isn’t ‘thoroughfare’ a magnificently Teutonic word?)

And then there’s Locomotion.

Locomotion is the Shildon branch of the National Railway Museum, most of which is in York.  And it’s quite something.

At least, it is when you find it.  Its signposting is so bad that I got completely lost and found myself on the road to Bishop Auckland - a truly terrible experience.  In the end, a gadgey out walking his Jack Russell directed me to it.

There’s lots to see there.  Not just historic locomotives and rolling stock - as you’d expect - but exhibitions of model railways and even a wonderful display of railway art.  There’s a shop - naturally - and a good café as well.

There’s a deal of work still to be done there but they’ve made a terrific start.  And isn’t it about time that Shildon was finally given recognition as the starting point of the world’s first passenger railway in 1825?

It was disappointing to see so few visitors there today - a fine, sunny September Sunday.  So, if you get the chance, give it a whirl.  As at the main museum in York, entry is free (although it would be impolite not to leave a donation) and Locomotion needs as many visitors as it can get.

Remember - although most of western Europe and huge swathes of China and Japan have dominated the development of railways for decades now, it all started in tired old Shildon.

* *
THE GRANDEST TOUR OF ALL…
...begins in just a few days now.

A very, very BIG thankyou to everyone who has sent me recommendations, memories and advice about where I should go and what I should do - specially Nev and Val, who have written what amount to small guide-books for me.

But we still haven’t got to the end of my planned circumnavigation of the globe.  Hong Kong, Singapore, Perth, Sydney, most of New Zealand, Vancouver, San Francisco - and next…

New York City.  This is the only one of my planned destinations that I’ve already visited.  I loved it then and I am fully expecting to love it even more this time round.

Please get in touch with any advice or recommendations you’d like to share.

Thankyou.

* *
CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com

484

As you can see, Serge isn't the only one who went fishing at Knitsley last week.  

Paul had a go as well; all he caught was a cold.

You can see more pictures of Serge's big day out on his blog.  

Click on his photo on this page and follow the links to his blog.  Or use this link:

http://spepere.blogspot.co.uk

MESSAGES FROM BRENDA
I’ve received a couple of emails from Brenda that are indubitably worth sharing with you.

This is the first...

‘WOMAN STOPS ALLIGATOR ATTACK WITH BERETTA PISTOL

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. 

What is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.



While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.  It must have been a female protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I hadn’t had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! 

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.  The alligator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It's one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun....’

And this is the second...

'THIS SAYS IT ALL

Pythagoras' Theorem: ............................................24 words

Lord's prayer:.........................................................66 words

Archimedes' Principle: ...........................................67 words

Ten Commandments: ...........................................179 words

Gettysburg address: .............................................286 words

US Declaration of Independence : .....................1,300 words

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:...........7,818 words

EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:….    26,911words'

Thanks, Brenda - a sheer joy.

* * *
IAN’S JOURNEY TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH - AND BACK
And, again, thanks to Brenda for the email she’s sent me about a possible cruise in a vintage steamer up the coast of British Columbia from Vancouver.  If the timings are right, it’s a trip I’ll definitely be making.

And gigantic thanks, too, to Val, who has written me a kind of personal guide-book based on her experiences of Singapore and New Zealand.  It’s a veritable classic of travel-writing literature.  Val should expand and extend it and have it published.  I (for one) would by a copy.

So...after Hong Kong, Singapore, Perth, Sydney, New Zealand and Vancouver...where will I be going next?

San Francisco - that’s where.

Notwithstanding the enormous amounts of envy that I hope I am generating, I’d love to hear from you if you’ve been to San Francisco, or if you know someone who has or if you have always wanted to go.

Get in touch...

And thanks again to everyone who already has.

* * *
CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com

483

Serge is in England at the moment.  Here he is yesterday, posing artfully 

at the monumental sculpture on the C2C cycleway just outside Consett

THE FAIRIES OF FENCEHOUSES
You’re going to find this almost impossible to believe but I’ve never quite seen the point of housework.  I fully support Quentin Crisp’s view that, if you don’t dust for three years, the dust doesn’t get any worse.

Sometimes, though, my curiosity gets the better of me.  I’ll be making the bed, say, or perhaps clearing up some cat vomit when I’ll notice a dust-laden cardboard box whose existence I had probably wished away many years ago.

And it was in one such box that I found yet another wodge of unanswered and - as far as I know - even unread emails from Blue Bus listeners.

The email sitting on top of the pile was from Trevor, about whom I know nothing at all - which is a shame, because its one of the most interesting emails I’ve ever ignored.

This is what it says…

Ian...I cam across this story in a book about alien abduction and supernatural sightings that I was about to throw away.

'On 3 September 1976 in the mining town of Fencehouses, County Durham, two women came upon a strange object set on a mound of earth that was in a building site.

The women were a 63-year old grandmother and her granddaughter, aged 18.  They were subsequently so shocked by the experience that they shunned all attempts to be interviewed in detail.

The object resembled a small, glass dome on ski runners.  Its surface was semi-transparent and smoky.  Beside it were two tiny entities looking like dolls.  They were human, with long white hair, plastic or pale faces and staring eyes.

The two women felt drawn towards them and the object, and entered a ‘cocoon’ of energy that caused the air to tingle.  Inside this, all ambient sound disappeared and time lost all meaning.

The women recalled walking away from the site with the object gone - but a watch worn by  one of them was now inexplicably ten minutes slow….'

Is it possible that some of your many listeners in Fencehouses can throw some light on this eerie encounter?

I can’t imagine why this sensational story was overlooked on the Blue Bus programme.  After all, 1976 isn’t that long ago.  It’s not inconceivable that someone in Fencehouses knows who these women were; by now, the daughter will be in her 50s.

If you can throw the light of fairy-dust on this story, for heaven’s sake - get in touch…

* * *
15 DAYS TO GO AND COUNTING…
Thanks for the advice and comments you’ve sent about my upcoming Great Adventure.  Please send more, more, more - specially about the next port-of-call on my itinerary…

After Hong Kong, Singapore, Perth, Sydney and New Zealand, I’ll be flying across the Pacific to Vancouver and Vancouver Island.

So if there’s anything you think I should know - get in touch.  Please!

* * *
AND FINALLY...
...yesterday was Linda's birthday.

So, from all of us ( - even though I'm a bit late, as usual - )...

Happy Birthday, Linda!

* * *
 CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com

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THE WAY WE WERE
For reasons best known to her good self, Hildie has asked me to post this photograph on the blog.  It was taken by a professional photographer in Gosforth who eventually gave up trying to make us look earnest and meaningful and decided to take snaps of us ‘the way we were’.

Looking at it now, after all these years and so much water under so many bridges, I realise how extraordinarily lucky I was (to say the very least) to be given the chance to work at BBC Radio Newcastle, which at the time was chockablock with creativity, imagination and compassion.

I also realise how lucky I was to work with Paul so often and for so long - and how fortunate I am that he is still one of my best friends.

I’m sure he still doesn’t know how much I learned from him and how much confidence he gave me at a time when my life needed it most.  Whatever else he has done since those days - or will do in the future - Paul Wappat is now, and will always be, a quick-witted, imaginative, compassionate, loyal and trusted mate.

As it happens, I’ve recently re-discovered a PhotoCD given to me by an erstwhile listener called Steve Ellwood, whose name I remember from way, way back in the days of my first sessions with Paul on his chaotic but hugely popular and enjoyable Saturday morning programme.

So, like the last one - and courtesy of Steve Ellwood - this posting is an orgy of pictures…

 Most of the pictures were taken at outside broadcasts from the 

Gateshead Flower Show in 2000 and from Blyth Market in, I think, 2001.

The one above shows Paul with Steve Drayton...

 Every time I see Gerry Jackson on Look North, I am reminded of the wonderful Ronald Wetleg

Times have changed, haven't they?

 The only picture that shows my lovely dog Taxi at the BBC

 Jon Harle, whom God preserve

Mike Parr tries to melt into the background

* * *
19 DAYS TO GO AND COUNTING
My Grand Adventure is getting closer.

Hong Kong, Singapore, Perth, Sydney, New Zealand’s South Island… Thanks for your advice and recommendations so far.

Now it’s time to put finger to keyboard about my next port-of-call - New Zealand’s North Island.  I’ll be driving through it in my trusty campervan all the way from Wellington, past Lake Taupo and the volcanic magic of Rotorua, to Auckland - whose name is, of course, linked directly to our own beloved Bishop Auckland.  I’m genuinely hoping that the name is all the two places have in common, though.

If there’s any information you’d like to impart - get cracking!

And Thankyou.

* * *
CONTACT ME
Post comments on this blog or email me:  truckshunters@googlemail.com