A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said ‘Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. What happened? You look terrible.’
‘What do you mean?’ said the pirate, ‘I feel fine.’
‘What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.’
‘Well,’ said the pirate, ‘We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.’
The bartender replied ‘Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’
The pirate explained - ‘We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.’
‘OK - but what about that eye patch?’
‘Ah,’ said the pirate, ‘One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.’
‘You're kidding,’ said the bartender. ‘You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit.’
‘It was my first day with the hook.’
* * *
This next one’s called The Perfect Husband...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man switches on the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: ‘Hi sweetheart, it's me. Are you at the club?’
Woman: ‘I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £3,000; is it OK if I buy it?’
Man: ‘Of course - if you like it that much, go ahead and buy it.’
Woman: ‘I also called at the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. There’s one I really liked.’
Man: ‘How much?’
Man: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
Woman: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it.’
Man: ‘Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want.’
Woman: ‘OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!’
Man: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks ‘Does anyone know who's phone this is?’
* * *
DOCTOR MALEVOLENT: THE TWO AUSTRIANS
In posting 472 I posed another of the Evil Doctor’s inscrutable questions, namely…
Two Austrians are waiting at a tram-stop in Graz. One Austrian is the father of the other Austrian’s son.
How are they related?
The answer, of course, is that they are husband and wife.
As evidence in support of this fatuously obvious solution, please see the picture at the top of this posting, which shows the Austrians themselves. (It really is a picture of two Austrians; no other blog gives you service of these high standards of authenticity.)
If you have any mindboggling puzzles like these, send them to me or accept the consequences…
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