The wonderful Flanders and SwannIn this blogposting…
* A Song of the Weather
* Kev’s Stand-Up Routine
* Viv’s Weird Notices
* Typical of a Man
* The Typewriter
Cry ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war...
It’s been a dull, wet and cold Spring and Summer. Autumn starts the week after next (even though the last few months have all been November). Christmas decorations are appearing in the shops and Winter’s already pulling on its socks and woolly vest.
The words of Flanders and Swann’s heartfelt and sardonic Song of the Weather just about say it all.
January brings the snow,
Makes your feet and fingers glow.
February's ice and sleet,
Freeze the toes right off your feet.
Welcome, March, with wint'ry wind,
Would thou weren't not so unkind.
April brings the sweet spring showers,
On and on for hours and hours.
Farmers fear unkindly May,
Frost by night and hail by day.
June just rains and never stops,
Thirty days and spoils the crops.
In July the sun is hot,
Is it shining? No, it's not.
August, cold and dank and wet,
Brings more rain than any yet.
Bleak September's mist and mud,
It’s enough to chill the blood.
Then October adds a gale,
Wind and slush and rain and hail.
Dark November brings the fog,
Should not do it to a dog.
Freezing wet December, then...
Bloody January again!
January brings the snow,
Makes your feet and fingers glow….
So I reckon it’s time to raise an even broader smile, if not exactly a glass - courtesy of Kev and Viv...
KEV’S STAND-UP ROUTINE
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says ‘My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well’, says the vet, ‘let's have a look at him’. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ‘I'm going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Just because he's cross-eyed?’ ‘No - because he's really heavy.’
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
* I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said ‘No, the steaks are too high’.
* A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted ‘Doctor, doctor! I can't feel my legs!’ The doctor replied ‘I know you can't - I've cut off your arms’.
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in it, it sank -thus proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘Sorry - we don't serve food in here’.
* Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says ‘I've lost my electron’. The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies ‘Yes, I'm positive…’
* A jump cable walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘I'll serve you, but don't start anything’.
* A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says ‘A beer please - and one for the road’.
WEIRD NOTICES FROM VIV
Viv sent me this email a few days ago. It’s all about signs and notices which people claim to have seen out there in the big wide world, where people often don’t notice verbal banana skins - even after they’ve already slipped up on them.
In a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
In a health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON DOOR - BELL DOESN'T WORK)
TYPICAL OF A MAN
Back to Kev again now for a story that many women will identify with…
A wife asks her husband to stop off at the supermarket on the way home from work and buy a litre of milk and, if there are any eggs, buy six.
He duly returns home with the six litres of milk. ‘What possessed you to buy six litres of milk?’ demands the wife. ‘They had eggs’ he replies.
...Serge has sent me this video link to a performance of The Typewriter, one of the many hugely popular - and instantly recognisable - pieces written by American light music composer Leroy Anderson.
This picture was taken from the website of ozTypewriter -
the Australian National Typewriter Museum in Canberra.
Who'd have thought it?
I’ve never seen The Typewriter actually performed live by an orchestra - and a typist, of course.
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