MosesIn this blogposting…
* AGM XXXIII
* Moses: A Warning To Us All
* Le blog à Pépère
* A Warning To Us All - 2
Onward and upward…
Our next AGM takes place tomorrow - Thursday 21 June, the longest day and the first day of Summer.
We will be celebrating this auspicious event in the celestial calendar by imbibing copious quantities of coffee (or whatever), and munching on gargantuan slabs of carrot cake, at Birkheads Nursery, which is signposted just to the east of the road between Sunniside and Stanley.
The event begins at 1100, as usual. Be there.
MOSES: A WARNING TO US ALL
I’ve received this heartwarming story from Dave Shannon…
‘A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, switched off his torch, and froze.
After a while, when he’d heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as was pulling the DVD player out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard - clear as a bell - 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, eh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses’, replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would call a parrot Moses?'
'The kind of people that would call a rottweiler Jesus.'’
LE BLOG À PÉPÈRE
I’m flattered to report that Serge’s recent blogpostings have been composed in my honour. He’s aware of how much I love walruses and seahorses and has put together two classic Truckshunter Digests of these wonderful animals in his postings 115 and 116.
I especially like the pictures because they suggest a reason why I love these creatures so much: they look so ‘unlikely’ - as if someone, somewhere, made a couple of wayward evolutionary mistakes which somehow got past the Design Control Department.
I’ve found walruses irresistibly appealing since I was very young but the most startling picture in Serge’s collection must be of the Leafy Sea Dragon (in the hippocampe section of posting 116, third picture down). This unbelievable marine confection deserves some kind of award. I want some of whatever its designer was on.
Another Leafy Sea Dragon
The Dicton Français (French Proverbs) in posting 117 mean, in order…
Exceed the limits (Go the extra mile)
Divide and rule
Make two rocks with one stroke (Kill two birds with one stone)
The ends justify the means
Faith can move mountains
Take a look. If this link doesn’t work - http://spepere.blogspot.co.uk/ - cut and paste it into your internet browser’s Search box.
Incidentally, I am - as far as I know - the only person who calls him Serge. Everybody else - friends and family - call him Pépère, which is an old, ‘street-French’ word and virtually untranslatable. The nearest I can get is a mixture of ‘cool’ and ‘unflappable’.
A WARNING TO US ALL: NUMBER 2
A friend has sent me this fanciful story from the internet. It was originally set in the US but I have transferred the references to the UK.
‘After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to our local superstore. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the superstore....
Dear Mrs Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both him and you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our cctv cameras.
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's shopping trolleys when they weren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the Outdoor Leisure department and told children he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children responded.
When an assistant asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
While handling hammers and saws in the DIY department, he asked the assistants where the antidepressants were.
Darted around the store suspiciously whilst loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
In the Car department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
When an announcement was made on the loudspeaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then called out very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of our assistants passed out.’
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