268In this blogposting…
*‘Dear Dogs And Cats’
Make the most of it ( - precious little)...
Another big Thankyou to Peter, in South Shields, for sending me details of some outrageous insurance claims received recently by Aviva and Lloyds/TSB…
*..a diamond eaten by a small child…
*..a potato stuck behind the brake pedal, causing a car accident…
*..a contact lens that fell off the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa…
*..a car windscreen smashed by a frozen squirrel…
*..a wasp sting that made the driver accelerate into the car in front…
*..a window broken when a woman threw a plate at her husband and missed…
*..a dining room chair that melted in the sun…
*..a dog that ate a digital camera…
*..a cow that jumped on a quadbike
*..and a video recorder damaged when a sandwich was inserted into the tape slot.
‘HELL’ - EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
Another big Thankyou, this time to Lynn, who has emailed me with ‘this lovely little thing someone forwarded to me from the internet…'
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam paper. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues:
"Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student however, wrote the following...
'First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 - If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it???
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.''
This student received an A+.
Our next AGM will take place at 1100 on Wednesday 27 April at Birkheads Nursery, the road to which is just opposite the entrance to the Tanfield Railway.
A splendid time is guaranteed for all.
DEAR DOGS AND CATS...
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
'Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The staircase is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! I must exit through the same door I entered. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go and smell the other dog's or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1 They live here. You don't.
2 If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3 I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4 To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
And remember, dogs and cats are ‘better’ than kids because:
1 they eat less,
2 they don't ask for money all the time,
3 they are easier to train,
4 they normally come when called,
5 they never ask to drive the car,
6 they don't hang out with drongos,
7 they don't smoke or drink,
8 they don't want to wear your clothes, or buy the latest fashions
9 they don't criticise with the "eye roll" or muttered remarks,
10 they don't need a gazillion pounds for university and
11 if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....'
It was sent to me by my friend Kathy. Mwah!
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