In this blogposting…
*The dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
*the Bible according to children
*Breaking records - slowly
Now, cry ‘Havoc’ and let slip the dogs of war…
...will take place at 1100 on Wednesday 25 August at the Tanfield Railway. Nev has promised us a train ride (like last year). And I’ll be bringing along a special guest. So…
A splendid time is guaranteed for all.
(Please get in touch if you’d like a lift to the Railway.)
Now then...I thought we all deserved a break from the Grand Tour and Life in France. So here is a small collection of bagatelles that have been sent to me one way or another. Some of them were sent a very long time ago. My apologies to the senders!
THE DANGERS OF DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE
An Idaho high-school student wanted to show how conditioned we have all become to alarmists practising junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control - or preferably total elimination - of the chemical ‘dihydrogen monoxide’.
And for plenty of good reasons...
*it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
*it is a major component in acid rain
*it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
*accidental inhalation can kill you
*it contributes to erosion
*it decreases effectiveness of car brakes
*it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
*Forty-three said yes,
*Six were undecided,
Only one person realised that 'dihydrogen monoxide' is a posh name for water.
The title of his prize-winning project was How Gullible Are We?
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
According to a poll at the Edniburgh Festival, these are the most popular one-liners this year…
*I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
*Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
*The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
*My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO CHILDREN
Some schoolkids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Amongst their replies were...
*In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
*Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
*Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
*Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
*Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
*Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
*The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
*The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
*The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
*The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
*David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
*Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
*When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
*Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
*One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
*St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
*Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
BREAKING RECORDS - SLOWLY
Jackie Cobell, a 56-year-old lady from Tonbridge in Kent, has broken a very interesting record, and without even trying. She took longer to swim the Channel than anyone else who's ever been daft enough to try. Her time of 28 hours and 44 minutes broke the previous record (set by Henry Sullivan in 1923) by over two hours.
Some people, though, actually set out to be 'the slowest on record'. In 2002, Lloyd Scott (whom we once interviewed on the Blue Bus programme) ran the world's slowest marathon - twice. The first was in London and the second, a few weeks later, was in Edinburgh. Wearing a 110-lb deep-sea diving suit, the Edinburgh Marathon took him 6 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes and 56 seconds.
Earlier this year, a man called David Sheath took four days to paint a Fiat 500 car pink, using 131 bottles of nail varnish.
In 2005, James Belshaw and Sophia Severin made a kiss last 31 hours, 30 minutes and 30 seconds.
An Australian gentleman called Les Stewart holds the world record for typing every number from one to a million in words. Typing for 20 minutes every hour, and using only one finger, he began in April 1982 and finished in November 1998.
In 1893, Andy Bowen and Jack Burke fought the longest boxing match in the sport's history: 7 hours and 19 minutes.
In April this year, Surrey batsman Arun Harinath took 233 balls to pass 50 - almost certainly the slowest County Championship half-century ever.
And last but not least....in December 1987, Kively Papajohn (for it is she) was stuck in the lift of her apartment block for six days.
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