In this blogposting…


*The dangers of dihydrogen monoxide

*Edinburgh one-liners

*the Bible according to children

*Breaking records - slowly
Now, cry ‘Havoc’ and let slip the dogs of war…

...will take place at 1100 on Wednesday 25 August at the Tanfield Railway. Nev has promised us a train ride (like last year). And I’ll be bringing along a special guest. So…

A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

(Please get in touch if you’d like a lift to the Railway.)

Now then...I thought we all deserved a break from the Grand Tour and Life in France. So here is a small collection of bagatelles that have been sent to me one way or another. Some of them were sent a very long time ago. My apologies to the senders!

An Idaho high-school student wanted to show how conditioned we have all become to alarmists practising junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control - or preferably total elimination - of the chemical ‘dihydrogen monoxide’.

And for plenty of good reasons...
*it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
*it is a major component in acid rain
*it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
*accidental inhalation can kill you
*it contributes to erosion
*it decreases effectiveness of car brakes
*it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
*Forty-three said yes,
*Six were undecided,
Only one person realised that 'dihydrogen monoxide' is a posh name for water.

The title of his prize-winning project was How Gullible Are We?
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

According to a poll at the Edniburgh Festival, these are the most popular one-liners this year…
*I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
*Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
*The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
*My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Some schoolkids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Amongst their replies were...
*In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

*Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

*Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

*Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

*Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

*Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

*The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

*The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

*The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

*The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

*David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
*Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

*When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

*Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

*One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

*St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

*Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Jackie Cobell, a 56-year-old lady from Tonbridge in Kent, has broken a very interesting record, and without even trying. She took longer to swim the Channel than anyone else who's ever been daft enough to try. Her time of 28 hours and 44 minutes broke the previous record (set by Henry Sullivan in 1923) by over two hours.

Some people, though, actually set out to be 'the slowest on record'. In 2002, Lloyd Scott (whom we once interviewed on the Blue Bus programme) ran the world's slowest marathon - twice. The first was in London and the second, a few weeks later, was in Edinburgh. Wearing a 110-lb deep-sea diving suit, the Edinburgh Marathon took him 6 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes and 56 seconds.

Earlier this year, a man called David Sheath took four days to paint a Fiat 500 car pink, using 131 bottles of nail varnish.

In 2005, James Belshaw and Sophia Severin made a kiss last 31 hours, 30 minutes and 30 seconds.

An Australian gentleman called Les Stewart holds the world record for typing every number from one to a million in words. Typing for 20 minutes every hour, and using only one finger, he began in April 1982 and finished in November 1998.

In 1893, Andy Bowen and Jack Burke fought the longest boxing match in the sport's history: 7 hours and 19 minutes.

In April this year, Surrey batsman Arun Harinath took 233 balls to pass 50 - almost certainly the slowest County Championship half-century ever.

And last but not least....in December 1987, Kively Papajohn (for it is she) was stuck in the lift of her apartment block for six days.

Post comments on this blog or email me: truckshunters@googlemail.com


Sid said...

Absolutely brilliant. Thanks to all the contributors.
What would be your favourite 'adjusted' commandment..
How about "Thou shall not commit adultery....unless you've got a good chance of getting away with it".
Needless to say I never have!.

Hildie said...

Hi Truckshunters

stuck in a lift for SIX days .... doesn't bear thinking about!
However, one's experience would depend entirely on who you were stuck in there with ....
now who would you choose?

Ian .....
the last few postings ... have you noticed they don't display the date on which they were posted?
I love your departures board, though am surprised Bishop Auckland and Middlesborough don't get a mention.

Sid said...

Hildie, can I be stuck in a lift with a chap who was delivering an internet shopping order. I get quite hungry in stressful situations.

Hildie said...

Good idea ... go for it, Sid!
Mind you, given the circumstances,
I'd be inclined towards a paramedic!

Hildie said...

Apologies to Middlesbrough! I'm not good with the Jedburgh, Scarborough, Edinburgh, Peterborough, Bamburgh thing!

Sid said...

You're not alone Hildie (but looking on here you may think you are,lol) folks who live or get to be in Jedburgh a lot just call it Jed. It makes sense doesn't it.

Sid said...

Maureen may just have her internet connection back tomorrow, so just incase things go well...
Welcome back Maureen!

Hildie said...

Yeah, Sid, I see what you mean ...
looks like it's you and I holding the fort! Actually, it's rather funny I should say that .... because .... borough, burgh, or brough .... in a placename .... means fort. However, I digress
.... I'm definitely hoping Maureen will have her internet connected by tomorrow. I've missed her.

Sid said...

We may be holding the fort Hildie but I hope the cavalry joins us soon.
If Miss Marples was able to return she'd have us all sorted pretty quick. The skoolboard man would be around and I'd be stood outside the headmasters door....again.

Hildie said...

Yeah, Sid ... the good old days!
Where have all the Truckshunters gone? Where are they?! Wish they'd call in, now and then, I'd like to know how they are. I know Kev can only blog in term-time and Maureen is off-line just now
... but where's everyone else?
Anyway, Sid, I've been wondering about something ... a baker's dozen, in fact. Would you, nowadays, be given thirteen buns
if you asked for a dozen? What do you reckon?

Sid said...

I'm surprised the EU hasn't banned a 'dozen'. They've had a go at just about everything else. I still convert things like petrol at £1:18 a litre into gallons. To think I used to buy it (with a tiger in the tank) for about 20p a GALLON.
Oooooh don't set me off.

Hildie said...

Pssst!! Sid .... I forgot to tell you .... on Sunday night I had a listen to Radio Newcastle ... I was only listening in because it was Michael ... and I heard him play a request for Ada in Walker
.... our actual Truckshunter Ada!
I didn't hear who sent in the request for her though.
If you get to read this, Ada, I hope you are well. x x

But, Sid, DO you get thirteen buns in a Bakers' Dozen these days or not? I'm sure you will know.
You ARE the oracle.
I think you just forgot to tell me 'cos you started thinking about the price of petrol.

Ryan in Alton said...

The AGM sounds like it will be a blast... Brief Encounter anyone?

Ya can't go wrong with a steam train, it's just a wonderful invention. The moment you hear that whistle sound it's distinctive toot, you're hooked.

Enjoy yourselves!!

Sid said...

It's great to hear from you Ryan. I'll try and have a word with Neville and get a couple of toots for you...and any absent friends.

The 'bakers dozen' went out of fashion years ago Hildie, but somebody might yet prove me to be wrong.
You'll know that Henry 111 got the blame for bringing about the bakers dozen. It came about because the punishment for short measure was so severe.
However, there is some doubt whether this is the real reason for giving 13 instead of 12 as it was good practice all over Europe and not only in England.

Sid said...

According to my trusty internet weather site the weather for Wednesday is set to be sunny with a slight breeze.

Anonymous said...

Hello Sid and Hildie and all other Truckshunters. Hello from me Alison.
Just to let you know (I have told Ian to tell you) I am appearing (artwise) at .... The Horticulture & Health Show this weekend at ... The Parks Sports Centre .... on Saturday 21st August (1-5pm) and Sunday 22nd August (10.30 am - 3.00pm). I have 9 special pictures on display and a craft stall. Love to see Ian or any or you. Radio Newcastle Gardenmania is there on Sunday at 1 pm and loads of superstuff. If you do come - let me know you are a Truckshunter and I will give you a generous discount on my craft stall as well as a huge hello. Sunday you get a lot of good huge veggies from the sale after the show. Its a lovely friendly event. Love to you all.

Artist and Truckshunter!

Sid said...

Alison, that was really good of you to let us know where you are appearing next.
Ian hasn't got round to telling us yet, but you did the job splendingly. I hope you have a great weekend.

Sid said...

The Parks Sports Centre is on Howdon Rd in North Shields.

Ian Robinson said...

Sorry Alison; I haven't had much time for blogging, what with one thing and another. And that's why 214 is is gestating for so long...

Sid said...

Don't concern yourself with us Ian, enjoy your new found happiness.

Alison said...

Hi all
Horticulture and Health Show went well and I did a demo of the art on second day. I have sold one of the new special works and I also got asked to give talks. It was a lovely friendly event - and you would not believe the size of the veggies in the veggie bag you get after the show! I seem to be doing a few events at moment. I am doing a craft fair at Durham School this Saturday coming. Sadly will not be able to make AGM - although it is in Tanfield.

Love to all
Truckhunter Artist in Residence

montaguedavid said...

my first contribution and I would like to know all truckshunters 8 desert island discs,starting with Ians' please?

and my first joke which has won the edinburgh festival best joke courtesy of Tim Vine is------" I have just been on a holiday of a lifetime----tell you what---I won't be doing it again!"

Over to you Ian----
regards David

Ian Robinson said...

Sid...thanks! I AM!
Alison...I'm glad the expo went well. Keep in close touch, please.
montaguedavid...a brilliant first contribution - LOVED the joke. MORE PLEASE. As for my 8 Desert Island Discs - I'm going to have to think about that one. Hmmmm...Perhaps the subject for a blogposting....

Sid said...

Tis a late apology from me. Can't get to the agm tomorrow. My daughter Gillian is in the QE hospital. She was admitted last night, made quite a good recovery in A&E, then it went pear shaped again today.
Fiona, our eldest daughter is staying with her in hospital again tonight, and thankfully Gillian was all smiles as we left. She certainly knows how to get us going.

Ian Robinson said...

Sorry to hear about Gillian, Sid. Give her our love. You know we're all thinking about you. KEEP IN CLOSE TOUCH XXX

Linda South Shields said...

Fellow truckshunters....crack open the champagne, rejoicings all over the land... la Grierson has actually cracked the code and managed to make a posting AND add her photo !! Miracles do happen !!!
Cracking August AGM, weather was fab, steam trains, fabulous crack and the sweetheart guest of honour Serge. Look forward to seeing him again at further gatherings
Desert Island Discs eh? Here's mine

1. Putting on the style... Lonnie Doneghan
2. Lonely Goatherd Julie Andrews ( Sound of Music )
3. Positively 4th Street Bob Dylan
4. Let it Be Beatles
5. Because you're mine Mario Lanza
6. Rhiannon Fleetwood Mac
7. God only Knows Beach Boys ( the greatest love song ever written)
8. Fields of Gold Sting

I toyed with 8 Rogers and Hammerstein compositions or 8 Beatles... could have had the whole score from South Pacific, but that would have been too twee !!